What I AM Learning

It's funny that my post title includes I AM because that is exactly what I've been finding and learning.  I know I haven't posted much lately and I think it is because I feel like people might be tired of me talking about Andrew. I worry they think I should just get over it and move on.  That's what led me to what I want to share now.

Back at the beginning of January, Natalia and I joined a bible study led by my awesome friend, Sarah Holley, who is a gifted speaker and writer.  The study is called Finding I AM, written by Lysa TerKeurst, and it is about the seven I AM statements Jesus makes during his ministry as recorded in the book of John.  When I got the invitation from Sarah I immediately thought Yes! I was searching for something, feeling a bit lost in my faith, and thought this might be the perfect answer.  As the first day drew closer I started imaging reasons I would have to cancel.  I could have come up with a dozen reasons why I couldn't make it after all, but I am really glad I joined. There are five of us in the group and I fully believe this was God's perfect plan as the more intimate group allowed me to open up with my grief.  These women have been amazing in letting me say whatever I wanted and would listen to my story with compassionate hearts.  I am truly blessed to have been included.

Now, for what I have learned.  The theme of the bible study is how Jesus is the only one who can fully satisfy the cry of your heart.  In examining the cry of my heart, I really just want to understand why Andrew died.  What is my lesson in all of it?  I realize now that I might never know, but I have to trust that God is at work.  Faith.  Yep, that is what it takes.

This week Sarah and Katherine taught me something I had long forgotten and presented it in a way I really understood.  Prepare for mind blow here (though you may already know this story):

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were brought before King Nebuchadnezzar because they would not bow down to worship his god or idols of gold.  The King told them if they did not worship they would be thrown into the fire and then he asked what god could save them then.  The three replied they did not need to defend their God to the King, that he was mighty and could save them from the fire if He wanted too.  But then here it is, the best part and only two simple words...even if.  Daniel, chapter 3, verse 18, "but even if he does not...,".  So they knew God could rescue them from the fire but told the King that even if God didn't rescue them they would still not worship the King.

Wow, powerful, right?  I am learning that even if I never understand I must trust God is at work, even in what I perceive to be silence or unanswered prayer.

To learn more about Lysa and her teachings, you can check out her Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/OfficialLysa/

Trauma Room Dedication

If you ever talked to Andrew about his position as a Patient Access Specialist at Gwinnett Medical Center, then you knew how much he loved traumas.  He would get excited when they arrived, not because people were injured or sick, but because he loved the excitement and fast pace of the trauma team.  He told me about a young man his age that came in from a motorcycle wreck and lost his leg.  I asked if his mother was there and he said yes, rather sheepishly, knowing where that was headed.  He saw stab wounds, gunshot victims, overdoses, and many motor vehicle accidents, but he always talked about how they survived - a testament to the trauma team and how they respond.

On Monday, November 21st, Trauma Room 1 was dedicated, in loving memory, to Andrew Carson.  This was made possible by the Gwinnett Medical Center Foundation and 18 people who made donations or pledges through the STARS program.  I was completely overwhelmed, when I learned what they had done, and equally thrilled it would Trauma Room 1 - Andrew's favorite place to do his work.

The Gwinnett Daily Post covered the dedication and you can read the article here. The pictures below are in the article as well and courtesy of Gwinnett Daily Post Staff Writer, Erika Wells.

I'm honored this was done for Andrew and unable to adequately express my gratitude.  Thanks doesn't seem to cover how much I love this and knowing that all who enter this room will now have the spirit of Andrew with them.

 

 A few of the folks who made it possible, from left to right, Lana Craddock, Lee Rodney, Detrick Johnson, Kristen Johnson-Ohlin, Sherri Creech, Cindy Finck, Deborah Hensley, and Starla Johnson.  Missing: Cathy Dougherty, Jay Dennard, Jason Chandler, Patty Lavely, Carol Fowler, Sue Troccia, Kelly Hurdt, Rebecca Lulusa, Tina Chapman, Sara Keegan, Jamie Lloyd, and Jill Smolarsky.  If others donated I am simply unaware - so please accept my apologies and gratitude!

 Thomas Shepherd (far left) opened the dedicated and Chuck Christie (far right) led the blessing.  Sherri Creech (center right) organized the donations with Foundation Director, Ginger Powell (not pictured).

Andrew's family that was able to attend, from left to right: Natalia Tsacheva (girlfriend), Matt Carson (brother), Wyatt Robinson (cousin), Sara Carson (aunt), Carey Robinson (aunt), Don Carson (grandfather), Lori Carson (mother), Sandi Swygert (great aunt), Becky Greene (great aunt), Mike Greene (great uncle) and Lindsay Robinson (cousin).

And I couldn't resist adding these pictures of me with Matt, Natalia, and then my sisters Carey and Sara.  It was an emotional day so forgive my appearance, I had too many tears and no make-up team!

Andrew's First Grade Journal

I had to go through some old photos today for a work thing...anyway, I found Andrew's Journal from 1st grade at Chattahoochee Elementary.  As I was flipping through it, wiping back tears as I recalled his sweet face, I found this entry:

Hard to read his handwriting and clearly he was not the spelling bee champion, but what it says is:
"If I could have any toy in the world I would have a motor bike."  At 7 years old he wanted a motor bike.  Guess some things were meant to be.

Incredible

Incredible.  It's the only word that I can think of right now.  Gratitude simply isn't enough.  I don't know how else to express my sincerest and deepest thanks to the 18 individuals who made this happen.

Here's the scoop...a few months after Andrew died I inquired about having a plaque or something placed in the emergency room at the hospital in his memory.   When I learned the cost I knew I could never reach that amount so I gave up on the idea.  That's when Sherri Creech took over, without my knowledge.

Sherri rallied the troops and found 17 others who wanted to make sure Andrew would not be forgotten.  Together these folks either donated or pledged donations to the Gwinnett Medical Center Foundation to make it happen.

Sherri told me Thursday they had raised the money and wanted approval on the wording "In Loving Memory of Andrew Carson" for the plaque.  Then the best part - it's for one of the trauma rooms in the newly renovated emergency room.  If you knew Andrew, then you knew of his love for the excitement of the trauma room.  It's the perfect place for his plaque and I am completely honored by this.

I don't know the names of all of the individuals who donated, by I do know a few.  To all of these people I will be forever grateful that Andrew meant enough to them to do this.  It's an incredible gift that I will never forget.  I'm so fortunate to work with people who care this deeply and are as close as family.

If I learn the names of the others who donated I will add them here.  For now this is who I know:

Sherri Creech
Jason Chandler
Jay Dennard
Starla Johnson
Cindy Finck
Tina Chapman
Deborah Hensley
Patty Lavely
Sue Troccia

If you are one of the ones who donated or pledged, please let me know and I will add your name.  Also, please accept my thanks - it seems like such a small offering from me for the outpouring of love you have shown, but it is all I have.  You all are my heroes for doing this and I love you dearly.

Thank you!

Six Months

It's been six months since Andrew's crash.  That's 183 days I didn't get to see those beautiful blue eyes, hear him giggle, or see him smile.  It's 183 times I've had to find the will to get out of bed, get a shower, and face reality.  The pain is deep and the heartache still as fresh as that afternoon on March 24th.  It might look like I'm functioning normally and if you ask I'm likely going to respond that I'm okay or I'm fine, but I am still sad.  I cry almost daily at some point.  I want to be strong and sometimes I think I am and that I'll finally get through the darkness, then other times I just want to sleep and pretend it was all a dream.

I know many are looking forward to the holidays but I am not.  I'm already fretting over Christmas and how the mantle will look with one less stocking.  I worry about how Matt is going to feel.  I'm even worried about silly things, like how to sign our Christmas cards this year.  Even Thanksgiving will be a struggle as I'm less thankful than in previous years and feeling guilty about that as I have so much more than others.  I hate that Andrew won't be here to gobble up all the turkey and rolls.  The boy could definitely down some rolls.  And Halloween is just around the corner.  Andrew loved handing out candy or dressing up with friends and scaring others.  He loved haunted houses and scary movies.  I was not a fan of either but he was.  Here he is a few years ago dressed up for Halloween.  I guess this Halloween he'll be dressed as an angel!

Birth Month - Day 31

Well, today is the last day of Andrew's birth month.  It has been bittersweet to write this month's posts while reflecting back over his life.  At times I am in awe of how he touched other people and then sadness overcomes me when I realize he is no longer here.  The other night, just as I was drifting off to sleep I heard him say "Mom" clear as a bell.  I jumped out of bed looking for him and then realized he was not there and began crying.  I long to see him, talk to him, or just give him a hug - just one more time.

Anyway, I thought it would be fitting to end the month with another keepsake I have.  Some things I'll keep forever, and this is one of them.  Andrew loved lacrosse shorts, as we all know, but he also had quite the t-shirt collection.  After Matt and Natalia took the t-shirts they wanted to keep, I sent the rest off to be made into a blanket.  They really do tell the story of his life.  Here it is.

The top row - sort of tough to see - but these were shirts from vacations and one from our church.

The next three rows were all about his love of Nike, motorcycles, the Braves, video games, and of course - the USA red, white, and blue!

Next up is Duluth Lacrosse - he loved that game.

The last row was how he supported breast cancer - a cause close to our hearts having lost my step-mom to the disease in 2000 and then nearly losing my aunt a few years ago (she is doing well now)!

This is such a fabulous blanket and it is totally Andrew.  Now I am ready for fall and winter as I have two amazing blankets (remember the one his team at work gave me with pictures) to keep me warm.

I miss you buddy!  Stupid motorcycle.

Birth Month - Day 30

As Andrew’s birth month is nearing the end, I thought I would share a very personal letter I received.  This is a letter from a woman I have never met, but am completely jealous of, yet at the same time eternally grateful to her.  You see, she was the one who held Andrew the day of his crash.  She was the one who encouraged him to hang on, letting him know the ambulance was coming, and she cared enough to ask for his name.  Then she cared enough to let me know he was not alone.  While I’ll always wish I could have been the one to hold Andrew as he died so I could tell him one last time how much I loved him, I am thankful God chose this woman (I’m not using her name to protect her privacy – she will see this and can comment if she is okay with others knowing it was her) to be in Andrew’s life, even if only for minutes.  Here is her story:

“Dear Ms. Carson,

My name is XXX.  I am writing to you about your son Andrew.

I was at the scene of Andrew’s accident.  I thought some information about that day might bring you some comfort and closure.  I hope this letter provides some of both for you.

This is an incredibly difficult letter to write.  To find the words to express my experience at the accident is quite challenging.  I wrote a statement for the police report, but kept it as plain and factual as possible, leaving out the emotions and thoughts I’ve had.  I assume you’ll have access to the police report once they finish, and can read that info if you so choose.  I’m writing this letter to express the human side, the emotional side, the thoughtful side of my experience.

I have looked at your Facebook page several times.  I’ve also read the blog you’ve been writing recently about grieving Andrew.  I hope that this is ok.  It has helped me process all that happened and helped me to know you might want this letter.

The day of the accident I was driving from my house in Canton, to my brother-in-law’s house in Monroe, GA.  I had 2 of my kids with me.  I was running late, and some “random route” that wasn’t even what google maps was telling me to take.

I was filling up my van with gas at the time of the accident, at the gas station right there.  I heard the crash, but did not see it.  Many people ran over to the accident scene.  I finished my gas purchase and drive my van over to see if I could do anything to help, although wasn’t sure what I’d be able to do, having my kids in the car with me.

There was a crowd of people around the scene.  I asked a few people what had happened.  I was informed it was a motorcycle and car crash.  It was then that I saw Andrew, lying on the ground near his bike.  Before I could ask anyone for information on what happened, I saw Andrew pick up his head and try to move.

I ran to him. I told him not to move. Another young man, probably around 20 years old was near him telling him the same thing.  Without much thinking or hesitation, I cradled Andrew’s head and neck to help him hold still.  I told him my name, that I would help him, told him 911 has been called, told him help was coming.  I hope that he heard me, and I am confident that he knew I was there with him.  He stopped trying to move and his head rested on my forearm.

Another lady named XXX (also protecting her privacy), prayed over all of us.

I desperately wanted to call him by his name.  Saying “sir” when talking to him didn’t feel right/enough.  The guy that was kneeling with me next to Andrew helped to find his work badge in his backpack.  We were able to call him by his name at that point.  I wanted him to feel surrounded by people that cared enough to help, cared enough to call him by his name.

I do not know at what point he lost consciousness, but I did notice his head got heavier on my arm and his breathing was getting more labored.  But I talked to him regardless, I wanted him to know he was NOT alone.

As the sirens and emergency vehicles were heard/seen, I was telling him to hold on.  I telling him they were near.  Me and the other guy were telling him to breathe!!!  There were longer and longer spaces between each breath.  But he did keep fighting to breathe, especially every time we would call his name.  I had hoped that if he was able to survive the impact of the crash, he may have a chance of surviving the accident.

The paramedics took over, and I walked away to check on my kids in the van.  It was not until Friday evening that I was able to do some searching on google and found out Andrew had not survived his injuries.  It was then I realized I probably was holding him in some of his last moments and breaths.  I hope and pray that I brought comfort to him in those moments.  I kept thinking that if it was my brother or my son, or my husband, I wouldn’t want them to have been alone.  And I am thankful for the opportunity through God’s providence to have been there with Andrew.

I am writing this letter to make sure you know Andrew was not alone.  He was prayed over.  People tried to help him as best they could.

I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to injuries and blood and such.  But I wanted you to know I was brave for your son.  I do not allow my panic or fear to settle in.  I wanted to be a source of comfort and peace for him in what had to have been a painful and scary time.

I am a very religious person, and have asked many people to pray for me, Andrew, you, and all those who loved him.  From your writings, it appears you have faith in Jesus as well.  Please know HUNDREDS of people have been praying for you all.  Being very religious and being present at the accident scene so close to Easter, my experience of the Easter promise this year was intense.  I am thankful fate/life/God had me running late and on some “random route” to my destination that Thursday.  Like I said, I have looked at the things you’ve posted on Facebook in an effort to get to know the man that has so immensely impacted my life through this experience.  The pictures on Facebook show Andrew with such gentle and warm eyes!

I cannot imagine the grief you must be experiencing in losing your child.  I am so sorry for your loss.  As I stated earlier, I hope this letter is helpful in your grieving process.

With much love and prayer,

XXX”

Thank God good people still exist, jump in to help in a crisis, and offer comfort to those who grieve.  I am truly blessed and in awe of a God who would make sure Andrew was surrounded by love.  Although thanks do not seem to be enough, it is all I have to offer this woman.  My deepest and sincerest thanks go to her daily for what she did for Andrew.