Well, I made it. Today marks the 6th year since Andrew died. It was the first time I have worked this day and I made it through the whole day with only a few tears. Those tears came when chatting with Matt this morning. Sometimes my own grief can be so overwhelming that I forget the loss that day was not just mine. Matt lost a brother, his only sibling. My siblings lost a nephew. My dad lost a grandson. My aunts, uncles, and cousins lost him too. Natalia lost her boyfriend. Coworkers lost a treasured team member. Classmates lost a friend. Zeus lost his owner. And me, I lost a child. Forgive me as I take a moment to reflect on what is the absolute worst pain a parent can ever endure. It is so unfathomable, that I would not wish it on even my worst enemy.
I posted this morning on Facebook and I received many supportive comments, texts, and calls throughout the day. I treasure each person who lifted Matt and me up in prayer today. In many of those comments, I saw where people said I was strong, tough, brave, etc. I'm humbled that others see that. That is not at all how I feel. I often feel broken, wounded, helpless, and defeated. Many days feel pointless as I constantly look for ways to make sense of my life minus Andrew.
But I have to say, through all my grief, I am also constantly reminded of how loved Andrew was and is. I am also constantly reminded of how many people love Matt and me. We continue to be blessed with amazing family and friends who always know just the right thing to say (or not say) and how to be there without intruding. We are blessed. If you think that is strength, then know this...that strength comes from the Lord. There have been many days where I just want to escape it all and stay in bed, but God speaks to me and gives me the strength to get up and get going.
There hasn't been a single day that I felt God left me alone. He constantly shows up. Sometimes it is with a phone call or text from a friend. Sometimes it is a card in the mail. Sometimes it is a Facebook memory. Sometimes it is a television show. Sometimes it's an article I read. One year, on the anniversary of Andrew's death, the starting pitcher at spring training was named Andrew. It's these little tidbits of God's unfailing love that remind me, there is a purpose, he has a plan, and he loves me. So again, if you see that as strength, please know it is God working to heal my heart and help me to keep going.
Matt's post on Facebook today was right on the money. He said in the past six years many things had changed. But, one that has not changed is how loved and missed Andrew is every day. Matt is right, we continue to love and miss him. God has kept that going too!
Thanks again for all the love and support. We appreciate you!