Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Gut Punch

So memories are a wonderful thing...they remind you of the hilarious times you had with family and friends.  They can take you back to a point in time when you were happy.  They can also take you right back to the darkest days of your life.  That's what happened to me today.  I woke up feeling fine, headed to my first day back to work since returning from Orlando, where Matt and I (along with Alex and Starla) went to escape being in Georgia on the day Andrew died.  I should have taken one more day of vacation.  It didn't occur to me when planning that this day would actually be much harder to "remember".  This is the day that one year I spoke at Andrew's memorial service.  I was reminded of this with Facebook memories.

No parent should ever have to memorialize their child.  That said, it was also my greatest honor.  To share thoughts, memories, and the hopes and dreams about Andrew was also a blessing.  I got to brag on him without anyone rolling their eyes.  But it was, without question, the most difficult day of my life.  To recall it today and remember the pain I was feeling brought me right back to the sadness and grief.  I cried as I thought about how the day played out.  I remember being so frustrated I couldn't get it together to get to the funeral home ahead of the other guests.  I had to send Matt to get some cash to pay people because I had not done that prior.  I guess I just had too much going on and I just didn't really want to have to do any of it.

Today these came up in my Facebook memories and while I would have preferred to never have to speak at a service for my son, I am so thankful for my friends who celebrated Andrew with me and continue to do so.

I feel compelled to tell you about my friend Lori Carson. She is lots of things, sarcastic, hilarious, kind, gentle and loving. Today she had to put her 20 year old son Andrew to rest, he was killed in an accident on Thursday. Today the chapel was filled to the brim with people who love her and her boys. Today, as sad and heartbreaking as this loss is, my friend was AMAZING! She made everyone laugh, cry, sob and laugh again. She held it together like a champ and I know Andrew was so proud of her. Today she portrayed strength and honor. She stood up there in front of a room full of mourners and made everyone feel Gods peace and love. I am in awe and am honored to call her my friend....I love you Lori!

Lori Carson I am truly in awe of the strength you showed today. You are a very strong woman. I am blessed to know you.

Today I witnessed the real and true strength of mother. God Bless you Lori Lori Carson

Then, the other memories on this day, all seemed to be about Andrew as well.

From 2012 - I posted about falling and busting my already bad knee just as Andrew and I were set to leave for London(spring break) to visit my brother and his family.

From 2013 - My car turned 100,000 miles on the way to Andrew's lacrosse game.

From 2014 - I posted about his new furniture because he was graduating high school and would eventually be moving to his first apartment.

From 2015 - I was an empty nester, he had officially moved out.

Then the dreaded March 28, 2016, when I had my final goodbye speech to Andrew. Rough day then, rough today.  But the difference with today - I don't feel the same hopelessness I remember this time last year.  I know I will see him again, I just miss him now.  I know he is with God and I know God is with me.

Thank you to everyone for continuing to love and support me...and letting my cry or ramble when I need too.

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