The Day After

Friday morning my brother, Michael, arrived from Los Angeles.  He had taken the red eye and got in very early Friday morning.  My sisters and Matt, along with his girlfriend Alex, had spent the night so we were all together.  My brother Chris and his family (Caitriona and Harry) were going to be arriving Saturday night and of course Sunday was Easter.  I had promised to get Harry an Easter basket and Caitriona some wheat-free food, but obviously everything had changed in an instant the day before.

Michael, Sara, and Carey took on the task of getting the Easter basket together while Matt, Alex, Natalia and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements.  I don't think there is anything that can prepare a mother to "make arrangements" for her child's death.  First I had to decide between burial and cremation.  We decided on cremation.  Then we have to decide how to house the ashes.  We decided on a necklace and a heart for Natalia, a heart for me, a small urn for Matt, and the rest were placed in a box.  I plan to have those in the box used in a memorial bench.

Next we have to decide on visitation and service dates and times.  Then we have to write up the obituary for the newspapers and website.  You can see it here: http://www.billheadfuneralhome.com/notices/Andrew-Carson

Then we have to decide on the quote for the memorial cards, which book we want guests to sign, and music for the service.  Of course I never expected Andrew to die when he was only 20, so I had no idea what he would really want.  It became more about what we wanted for him.  I wanted to be certain anything we did was in honor of him.  Andrew was never one for the spotlight and he actually probably hated every time his name was mentioned.  That said, I have come to realize that those who die are fine.  They aren't sad, depressed, or suffering.  It's those who are left behind that suffer, feel lost, are in shock, and are sad.  Andrew is in heaven with Jesus, Nana, Mama Jean and he is fine.  We are the ones who are a mess.  It still doesn't seem fair or right, but I don't recall ever reading or being promised a fair life.  After all, it wasn't fair Jesus died for our sins, but he made it right for Andrew (and all of us) by doing just that.

So many decisions and I made one more that day.  I asked if I could see Andrew one more time before he was sent for cremation.  We did that Saturday morning.  This time it was without the collar and the tube down his throat.  I was surprised he still had such good coloring and wasn't blue like I was expecting.  His head was tilted left, I am certain it was because his neck was broken, but he still looked handsome and completely peaceful.  I had them cut a lock of his beautiful hair and said my final goodbye to his earthly body.  We all went that morning Matt, Michael, Sara, Carey, and Natalia, and it was incredibly emotional seeing him for the final time, but I am really glad we did it and that we all did it together.

My family is amazing, even in the toughest of times we are there for each other.  I am beyond blessed to have these people in my life and I am thankful for them every single day.